Are We Trying to Communicate? Or Audition for a Reality Show?

Nothing can hinder change of heart more than being personally attacked. When our thoughts are attacked and our character slandered, everything our attacker says is suspect. If they are so wrong about who I am, they don't have much credibility. After all, I'm not an expert on much, but I've lived with me longer than anyone else has. 

When we're attacked and misunderstood, we dig in our heels, get our hackles up, stick to our guns, our story, our plan. We grow our backbone, stiffen our resolve, close our minds, put up walls and a million other clichés to say we protect our beliefs in a determined and stubborn way.

It isn't always because we hate to be wrong. Sometimes it's very exciting to discover I've been wrong. It means I've learned something and grown. I have a hard time admitting I've been wrong when I feel someone is out to destroy me, though. As though they don't really have an interest in sharing information, but solely in proving they are right and I'm not, making sure I cannot leave the conversation with any sense of dignity. They want me to know I've been pwned lost.

It would be easy to say those people are just jerks. And sometimes I've said just that. Sometimes I've used stronger language, rolled my eyes and wholly helped them to continue and actually expand on this obnoxious behavior by pushing back – hard! But this lack of civility is childish and immature.

Instead of valuing the possibility of sharing insight and knowledge, our culture values the opportunity to humiliate other people in order to puff ourselves up. Look at reality television and you'll see our culture actually considers this horrible trait entertaining!

It's been very difficult to find people to learn from. I'm on this journey to understand and get a personal grasp on what's important to people ideologically different from myself. It takes plenty of humility (yeah, this is a place where I'm growing – and I started as a tiny mustard seed, so I may be only the size of an acorn about now). I remind myself I want to get past the frustration, anger and hard protective shells to the REAL man or woman. 

Unless we're going to become a country of sequestered cliques, only talking to the people deemed worthy to be in our circle, thinking exactly like we think, stroking our egos with their agreement and never putting ourselves in the other girl's shoes... we have to grow up. We have to get in there and open ourselves up to the criticism and show a different way of communicating... by practicing the “listening” part – not just to twist a sound bite, but to grasp a deeper understanding.

Racism is born and raised in ignorance. One would hope we've learned this, but our continued attachment to believing people are just subsets of groups, instead of individuals, reveals we've just shifted our target to a different group. We insult, humiliate, and slander one another. We stereotype and blame entire groups of people for the actions of one or just a few. We're too lazy to get to know people, instead assigning a label and saving ourselves the time and effort of making our own decisions.

“Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.” - Lord Byron

Nothing proves this point more than when someone comes face to face with someone who defies all their prejudices... one of two things happens. They either ridiculously try to reveal that this is all a ploy and deep down they really do fit the stereotype though there is no evidence of it, or they stand slack jawed and silent... because they never really considered this to be a possibility.

Last minute addition to this post - I'm not alone... look what I found Bullies, Politicians, Me. Same same?

Sometimes It's OK to Quit... Maybe Even a God-Thing!

I was in a small group for almost 2 years. A lovely group of women and we learned so much. And then, something that seemed to go wrong went right. We were using the study “Cultivating a Life of Character” by Elizabeth George.

How It Began

We were studying Deborah, the prophetess from Judges 4 & 5.  Mrs. George noted that we, as women, probably wouldn't be used by God in the same way Deborah was.  Deborah saved a nation, after all.  I had no issue with that.  She then referred to 1 Timothy 5:9-10 and Titus 2:3-5 and said, "Do you think leading a nation is more important than loving a family? Do you think watching over God's people is more important than watching over your own family and home?" (p. 34)  

Guilt, responsibility, duty, reproach, stifling expectations.  These were my gut reactions to her questions designed to elicit a specific "right" answer.  But, if you put it that way, I don't think Deborah would've dared to do either - lead a nation or watch over God's people.  Sadly, too many Christian women have made that leap of connection - God will never call you to do anything beyond home and family.  God may ask you to sacrifice in order for your husband and children to follow God, but he will never ask you to do something that would require a sacrifice from them. 

The Escalation

After Deborah, we studied Gideon. (Judges 6:1-40)

“Your call - Gideon was called to be a judge and a warrior. As women after God's own heart, you and I possess a calling from God, too. And it's a high calling Read Titus 2:3-5 now and write out what your high calling from God is. And don't worry so much about whether you are married or single. Just look for the roles and character qualities that God calls us to.”  (Cultivating a Life of Character, E. George, p. 45)

Titus 2:3-5 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.

As I struggled with this paragraph in our group, my wise Bible study friends gave me some of their thoughts.

“It just seems like something else is going on here, that you're struggling with something.”

“Maybe you haven't gotten over something in your past and you need to deal with that.”

“You have daughters that you hope to impact, you have to sort this out.”

I was angry. I felt oppressed, rebellious, silenced and struggling to be understood - not by God, because I knew we were good - but by Christian women. But how could my lovely friends understand when I didn't understand myself. I took some time off from the study. I wasn't getting anything out of it at that point and I was disrupting the flow for everyone else.

Something was going on in response to this subject. I was raw and angry. Gideon was called to be a judge and warrior – none of which are mentioned in the Titus verses concerning men, yet the calling of every woman was being neatly buttoned up in appropriate outward behavior.. don't be a drunk, don't gossip, keep your house clean, love your family and teach other women to love theirs. That's it?! It doesn't even mention a relationship with God. 

I was angry with myself.  I was angry because what God called me to use and develop for over 20 years, I'd believed was a selfish distraction.

Relevant Today?

I know everyone has either heard or expressed this sentiment, “This part of the Bible is only relevant to the cultural setting of 'back then'. It doesn't apply the same way today.” I've never said that, but I am today. These particular verses were written at a time when I couldn't be dressed in clothes I didn't sew myself, while the washing machine washes my dirty clothes utilizing that handy indoor plumbing, the dryer dries our bedding, the dishwasher is doing its job, a loaf of purchased bread sits on the counter waiting for the roast, which cooks unattended in my self cleaning, temperature controlled oven. My backache isn't slowing me down because I took a couple Advil with breakfast - a bowl of cereal I simply poured from a box and topped with milk safely preserved for days in my fridge and a cup of coffee that took just a couple minutes to make.  In most cases it no longer takes ALL day to care for a home and family, though you may find yourself at a stage where it actually does... I said most cases, not all.

For some of us, these verses have actually kept us from our high calling. We've numbed the nagging sensation of something missing in our lives with exhausting part time jobs, excessively cleaning our homes, continually looking for needs to fill for our family members, taking up meaningless hobbies, scrolling Facebook, playing Angry Birds and watching reality TV. We've ignored deep desires that God gave us for years, believing they were our failure to be content in this “high calling.”

A New Place

And God pushed me out of the nest... out of this small group, which I did not wish to leave.  There was something going on, something God was dealing with me about, something I needed to get a grip on – just as those wise women said. He was about to open up a study that would impact my life like a freight train hitting a grocery cart.

One day my sister said to me, "Sometimes you feel pain or discomfort because it's the only way God can get you to MOVE!" God was saying something that I needed to hear... but I had to move to the place He was saying it.  A place where He was providing the direction I needed to move to the next place in our relationship.

We're all parts of the same body, but we're not the same part. We're all on a road trip with God, and it has similar checkpoints for all of us, the biochemist as well as the foster mom, the architect and the blog writer, the bakery owner and the grandmother raising a second generation. We're not all at the same checkpoint today.

Where are you in this road trip? 

• Building my relationship with God
• Wondering... Who am I?
• This is my passion but what do I do with it?
• I'm picking up momentum!
• Living it daily!
• Transitioning to something new
• or are you in a stage of consulting, mentoring and advising?

Share this post and leave a comment telling about your road trip. Give a description of the scenery where you are right now, and tell me where you've come from.

What Are You Waiting For To Live Your Life?

So, you have a dream, a vision, a purpose and a passion. Unfortunately, you haven't moved it out of your head and into action.

I was moved into action by 7 months of a mysterious back injury/ailment that just would not improve no matter what I did. I tried physical therapy, prescriptions, yoga, applied heat, applied ice, applied medicine with little roller ball applicators that felt like heat and ice, and applied tears. Finally, I found a little relief. Sitting on my tucas (as dad says, and spell check refuses to respect) for 4 months. While sitting there, I read, I researched, I studied and I wrote. I had no choice. (Yes, there was daytime television, but UGH!) You may not be so lucky. Yes, I said lucky. I had no option but to do what I feared doing – stop waiting and start pursuing my desire to write.

So, what's holding you back? What are you waiting for? I gave this some thought yesterday and here are some things you may believe you have to wait for to live your life instead of just imagining what it would be like to live your life -

• When I lose 10 pounds
• When the kids grow up
• Mr. Right
• After Mr. Right gets a divorce and is back on the market
• After I'm married
• After PMS week
• After my wife's PMS week
• When I have children
• When the baby starts sleeping all night
• After the baby is potty trained
• After the kids go to school
• When the kids graduate
• After the kids move out
• My divorce from Mr. Wrong, so I can use my imagination for things other than planning perfect crimes
• A rainy day
• When it stops raining
• When I learn HTML
• When I find WYSIWYG software that works with my free blog site
• When I think of the perfect domain name
• When the person who stole my perfect domain name stops paying their renewal
• After the kids move out AGAIN
• Tomorrow
• When I lose 25 pounds
• After I find an agent
• When I write something worthy of an agent
• When this pulled muscle heals
• When I find my soul mate BFF with the same Pinterest board as me, who will live it with me
• When Spell check is updated to recognize tucas, BFF and Pinterest
• When my spouse gets a personality exchange and is suddenly interested in my interests
• When I get a raise
• When I get a less stressful job
• When I get a job
• When I retire
• Payday
• A better software program
• When I get caught up
• An eBay deal on the software I want
• An instruction manual
• A free Kindle day for the instruction manual I want
• When I finish reading every book ever written on the subject
• And the new one that comes out next week
• And the really boring one that got kicked under my bed after I fell asleep trying to read it
• After the spider dies that built a web on that that really boring one still under my bed
• When I have more time
• When I feel better
• When I find the perfect theme for my website
• And it's available for free
• Without a watermark
• When we buy a bigger house
• When we pay off the house
• After we remodel the house
• After spring cleaning
• A deadline
• The next deadline
• A deadline next year that I think I could really meet
• When I have all the right equipment
• When I update all that equipment
• New shoes
• When I remodel the previously remodeled space that is now dated and no longer inspires me
• When I figure out if blue or green paint in my office is more inspirational
• In the summer
• After summer
• After Christmas
• On my next vacation
• After vacation
• Next month
• A winning lottery ticket
• To go to college
• To graduate college
• To get into graduate school
• My masters degree
• My doctorate (important if you're dream is to be a medical doctor. Just sayin')

You aren't going to begin at the pinnacle (unless you're a supermodel in which case, I'm sorry to say, every day that passes you by is a day you will never look as dewy again and you may have to consider work in Walmart ads). Get started! What can you do today to pursue your dream?

Not everyone is blessed with a temporarily disabling injury, making all other activities of life excruciatingly painful. I'm sorry, that was insensitive – it could happen to anyone. Chances are you won't be that lucky, though... so get moving!

Envy, Rivalry & Bridge Jumping

Isn't it curious that we can appear to be envious of something that, in truth, we would never want to have?

I'm sure you know this story.  There's a guy or girl at work that just never seems to get what they have coming to them.  Late to work, calls off sick with that "morning after" illness, does more chatting than working, and exhibits some other negative qualities that we would be embarrassed for people to see in us... yet she has no problem with the reputation it gets her with her coworkers.  If her coworkers were boss - she'd be fired - after she was properly humiliated, of course.

Or maybe you have a sister or brother that doesn't work as hard as you, doesn't pay his bills on time, overindulges on the things he wants and mom and dad bail him out time and time again.  Perhaps with what you believe is your inheritance!  Don't worry about that... your parents are leaving your inheritance to the humane society, or perhaps to a foundation to benefit people who can't drink milk.  Hey, they're our parents - they do weird stuff, right?

We wouldn't want to be in the shoes of these slackers - because, quite frankly, they stink... although... probably not since they have a selection of shoes that make you drool and they never wear the same pair twice.  (In all likelihood that is where your sister's mortgage money really went.)  But, in all truth - we don't want to be like that... it just ticks you off that they get away with it.

I have news for you (the kind of news that makes you change the channel, unfortunately).  It's all sibling rivalry.  One way or another they are our siblings on this planet - even if we don't share genetic material.

I know a guy (I'll call him Dave) that wanted this one particular job so bad.  He finally got it.  He hates it.  He likes the work.  He likes the hours.  His boss pays him well.  His boss appreciates his work and he lets him know.  Dave hates his job because he's jealous.  He's jealous that another guy (I'll call him Lou) talks too much, kisses up to another boss and that boss is happy to accept the ego boost, calls off work more often than he should and doesn't give 100% in the work place.  Dave has no respect for Lou and desperately wants him to get what he 'deserves'.

Lou's behavior doesn't impact Dave's job.  His workload doesn't increase because Lou is a slacker of sorts.  But... Dave spends an inordinate amount of time watching for Lou's screw ups and bothering his boss with the tattling.  Dave is also so angry at Lou that he blows up at him - going so far as to "invite" Lou out to the parking lot.  Dave was in line to become a foreman, but his jealousy has cost him the respect of the other employees and he will be passed over when the time comes to name a foreman.  Dave is 45.  Lou is 26.

Dave doesn't want to be anything like Lou, nor would he want people to think of him as Lou is generally thought of.  It isn't Dave's company.  He and Lou are work-siblings.  Dave is paid well.  He could just ... let it go...  But he has let this ruin a job that was perfect for him.

Another situation... two sisters...  Beth is married to a wonderful guy.  She has 2 children - 17 & 21.  They are well adjusted.  She has a beautiful home.  She's pretty, thin, educated and successful by worldly accounts.  Jackie has 2 kids in their early 20's.  One is an irresponsible single mother with an attitude problem and the other has had frightening mental health and addiction issues.  Jackie is overweight, broke, raising her grandchildren, and would give you the shirt off her back.  Beth probably would as well - but it costs Jackie more to do so, and she wouldn't tell other people about it later.  Jackie's dad helps her and her kids out - financially as well as other ways.  While acknowledging that she would never want to be in that situation, Beth is really angry that her sister is getting this help.  An outsider would presume that Beth doesn't feel her sister deserves anything good in her life at all, since there is obviously so much that is hard in Jackie's life.

Even the apostle Peter said to Jesus, "What about him?  What does he have to do?" in reference to John.  Jesus' reply was to tell Peter it was none of his business what Jesus would have John do... Peter was to do what Peter was told to do.  In other words, Peter... "If John jumped off a bridge, would you want to jump off a bridge too?  Mind your own business!"

How much of our life's misery is caused by sibling rivalry.  Rather than gratitude for our own blessings, we resent that someone else is getting something we feel they don't deserve.  In truth... and in the eyes of OUR siblings... how much do we, in fact, deserve the good things that are in our lives.