God, Could you just tell me the whole plan now?

Perhaps because I'm starting a second career, (or second life even) my first was my family, (Both directions - first my birth family, then the family I gave birth to) I feel a little hesitant at crossroads.  Sometimes in the middle of a path, with no forks in sight, I stop and wonder if I'm going the right way.  Should I go back?  Should this path be wider, perhaps zigzag a little more, or even be more like an obstacle course than a finely pebbled trail? Did I miss a sign back there?  Am I lost? It's terribly quiet here all by myself.  Family is a group activity.

Oh, wait! This is a group activity as well.  Only the group contains just a couple of us.  There's me, of course... and God.  And our project is me.  It's changing me, growing me, stretching me, teaching me, equipping me, pointing me in the right direction to ... well, to be fruitful. To be a good daughter and help Dad with whatever his assignment is.  It could be writing a presentation.  It could be picking up supplies for his kids at the homeless shelter.  It could be giving His Word to someone who needs to hear it.

See, that's hard for me.  I want a detailed plan of action, a flow chart of necessary steps.  Please tell me what I'm doing today and why.  Then lay out the next 10 years, highlighting the important steps that the rest of the plan depends on, so I'm sure I do exactly the right thing. If you're only revealing the next step, the next 30 inches of tightrope, I might get nervous that there isn't any tightrope beyond that step. Am I stepping foolishly or faithfully. (Yes, I've changed my wooded pebble path to a tightrope, because that's the way my mind works.)

"Keep looking at me."  He says.  His eyes warm and inviting.  His hands are stretched out around me in case I teeter off balance.

"I don't want to mess up.  I don't want to waste time.  What if I die before I get this right?" I tend to worry.  Do you see that?

"I'll show you more, as you step forward more.  Come toward me."


This blog is the documentation of the trip of my life.  It will contain fear, suspense, exhilaration, tears, many Aha! moments, revelations, and I write it only because I have to.

Whether I write it simply because

• I process by writing and he wants me to really "get it," 

OR

• Someone else out there feels a little crazy when they second guess, third guess, fourteenth guess God's whispered direction on that quiet path (or trembling tightrope) and gains a little bit of... "Ok, I'm not the only one that finds this a bit uncomfortable.  See her over there on the other side of the circus tent? (where else would you find a tightrope?)  Sure, she's on a different rope, but it feels the same for her.  If God can use this screwy woman, well... he surely can use ME! 

 OR

• Whoa - did you see what God taught her today?  I needed to learn that too.  What a fantastic NONcoincidence!

I don't know the end of the story.  I only know now.  I can't be obedient tomorrow. I can only be obedient now.  I don't know where God wants me in 5 years.  I only know that if I go where he wants me to go each day... I'll be where he wants me to be in 5 years. And he does want me to be somewhere.  He wants us to bring light to the world, to do good works that glorify him, to be evidence of his incredible supernatural provision and love.
 

My favorite Christmas movie always comes to mind when I think of this.  God is represented as the Moon and you are Mary Hatch. Jesus is represented as George Bailey  (You HAVE seen the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," haven't you?)  George was going to lasso the moon for Mary and bring it to her.  And she'd swallow it and it would dissolve within her and the moonbeams would shoot out of her fingers and her toes and the ends of her hair. No one could contain God's light and not be transformed by it. No one could behold such a spectacular miracle and not desire it for themselves. 

I want to be a part of that. I have to trust Him to provide the safe spot for my foot to step, to teach me what I need to know. To practice humility in seeking to move closer to God every day.

I have to crawl up into his lap and be willing to look at the things He shows me through HIS eyes.

What Are You Waiting For To Live Your Life?

So, you have a dream, a vision, a purpose and a passion. Unfortunately, you haven't moved it out of your head and into action.

I was moved into action by 7 months of a mysterious back injury/ailment that just would not improve no matter what I did. I tried physical therapy, prescriptions, yoga, applied heat, applied ice, applied medicine with little roller ball applicators that felt like heat and ice, and applied tears. Finally, I found a little relief. Sitting on my tucas (as dad says, and spell check refuses to respect) for 4 months. While sitting there, I read, I researched, I studied and I wrote. I had no choice. (Yes, there was daytime television, but UGH!) You may not be so lucky. Yes, I said lucky. I had no option but to do what I feared doing – stop waiting and start pursuing my desire to write.

So, what's holding you back? What are you waiting for? I gave this some thought yesterday and here are some things you may believe you have to wait for to live your life instead of just imagining what it would be like to live your life -

• When I lose 10 pounds
• When the kids grow up
• Mr. Right
• After Mr. Right gets a divorce and is back on the market
• After I'm married
• After PMS week
• After my wife's PMS week
• When I have children
• When the baby starts sleeping all night
• After the baby is potty trained
• After the kids go to school
• When the kids graduate
• After the kids move out
• My divorce from Mr. Wrong, so I can use my imagination for things other than planning perfect crimes
• A rainy day
• When it stops raining
• When I learn HTML
• When I find WYSIWYG software that works with my free blog site
• When I think of the perfect domain name
• When the person who stole my perfect domain name stops paying their renewal
• After the kids move out AGAIN
• Tomorrow
• When I lose 25 pounds
• After I find an agent
• When I write something worthy of an agent
• When this pulled muscle heals
• When I find my soul mate BFF with the same Pinterest board as me, who will live it with me
• When Spell check is updated to recognize tucas, BFF and Pinterest
• When my spouse gets a personality exchange and is suddenly interested in my interests
• When I get a raise
• When I get a less stressful job
• When I get a job
• When I retire
• Payday
• A better software program
• When I get caught up
• An eBay deal on the software I want
• An instruction manual
• A free Kindle day for the instruction manual I want
• When I finish reading every book ever written on the subject
• And the new one that comes out next week
• And the really boring one that got kicked under my bed after I fell asleep trying to read it
• After the spider dies that built a web on that that really boring one still under my bed
• When I have more time
• When I feel better
• When I find the perfect theme for my website
• And it's available for free
• Without a watermark
• When we buy a bigger house
• When we pay off the house
• After we remodel the house
• After spring cleaning
• A deadline
• The next deadline
• A deadline next year that I think I could really meet
• When I have all the right equipment
• When I update all that equipment
• New shoes
• When I remodel the previously remodeled space that is now dated and no longer inspires me
• When I figure out if blue or green paint in my office is more inspirational
• In the summer
• After summer
• After Christmas
• On my next vacation
• After vacation
• Next month
• A winning lottery ticket
• To go to college
• To graduate college
• To get into graduate school
• My masters degree
• My doctorate (important if you're dream is to be a medical doctor. Just sayin')

You aren't going to begin at the pinnacle (unless you're a supermodel in which case, I'm sorry to say, every day that passes you by is a day you will never look as dewy again and you may have to consider work in Walmart ads). Get started! What can you do today to pursue your dream?

Not everyone is blessed with a temporarily disabling injury, making all other activities of life excruciatingly painful. I'm sorry, that was insensitive – it could happen to anyone. Chances are you won't be that lucky, though... so get moving!

Discontent? You Must Not Be Doing Enough. 101 Activities to Fill the Emptiness

I'm reading a book. SURPRISE! Why do I make the announcement, when at all times I'm probably in the middle of 2 or 3 books? I need to cite the culprit of inspiration. None of us learn in a vacuum. All deductions and Aha moments are sparked by someone or something in Heaven or this world. The book today is The Missional Mom by Helen Lee. I'm working my way through this book. This involves many activities which make my mother cringe. Notebook on my lap, hi-liter and ink pen in hand and a cup of coffee are my tools for working through a book.

I had writer's block the other day, because I didn't follow my rituals. Ritual #2 - no phone calls in the morning before I start work. (We'll discuss the other 5 rituals in another article) I lose sight of my path when I let the happenings and concerns of others dance across my spotless morning mind in muddy shoes. All those footprints everywhere distract me. One of my phone calls that morning was a dear friend overwhelmed and fraught with a to do list that would stop any beast of burden, let alone a woman of ordinary physical capabilities. When I realized I was in a tornado of anxious thought and unable to clear my way to work, I sat down with my book. Almost immediately, my heart was softened.

“For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?” (Mark 8:36) This verse always makes me think of the Scrooge's in this world – hell-bent (literally) to make money they will never spend in their lifetime. “You can't take it with you.” I think of people sacrificing their family relationships to chase power and prestige, greedily behaving in unscrupulous practices at the peril of their soul, living in excessive (always a relative term) luxury.

For most of us, this is unimaginable. Yet, the enemy is deceitful, and he doesn't only harass the greedy Scrooges of the world. He doesn't serve his intentions up so blatantly. Subtlety is his middle name. For most of us, it's dressed in a cloak of what is normal expectations in our culture. Much of what we think we need are self imposed cultural expectations, not actual needs. A brand label on our clothes, smart phone upgrade, larger data plan, manipedi, new video game, frequent dinners out. You pay twice for everything. You pay your time to make the money, then you pay the money you made, then you need to do it again... for more.

When you look at what we treat as important in raising kids, it's academic achievement, extracurricular activities, preparing for a financially rewarding career with travel perks and significant retirement plan. What about their calling? What about their souls? What about a life of service? What about a spiritual center? I'm not talking about going to church and Sunday school each week, saying grace and bedtime prayers. Living a life of seeking secular achievement with a sprinkling of Jesus.

Are we secure or are we stressed? Teaching reliance and trust or fear and self reliance? There have been years I spent more time planning the family vacation than planning the development of my gifts to coincide with God's calling for my life. Random activities and new “stuff” are but a temporary soothing for the inner discontentment of an unanswered calling.

Do we confuse contentment with laziness because we aren't exhausted all the time? Is this really what God wants our lives to be like?

I remember how resentful I would feel, buried in a swamp of self imposed expectations. No one “understood.” No one would join me in taking on all the work necessary to be a “good” mom, businesswoman, homemaker, and hostess - simultaneously. Jesus could easily say to me, “Amy, Amy, you are worried and bothered about so many things.” (See Mark 10:38-42) I remember dumping my “list” in rants of frustration, hoping for offers of help. How selfish I believed people were, living a peaceful and content life when it was clear I needed help. I was completely oblivious to the obvious. This mess wasn't a mountain I needed to climb. It was evidence I was “doing it wrong.”

When you find yourself in the midst of a whole lot of self made stuff and you're frizzled, frazzled, exhausted and angry, when you know something's missing – consider this... what's missing is “down time.” Time to pray and meditate (that's when you give God a turn in the conversation), consider your calling, consider your purpose, sit down and read, take a walk, pursue that real RE-CREATION. You have more than enough going on – too much – and it's stealing your joy. It's OK to have joy. It isn't laziness to find contentment in clarity. Trust me, you'll have plenty to do – it will just satisfy you in a way that “keeping busy” doesn't.

A Perspective on Motherhood

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength." Mark 12:30

If you're anything like me, you see raising your children as the most important job you'll ever have. After all, what they learn from you goes on generation after generation; be it simple traditions or convictions fundamental to the family's identity.

My Granny baked a simple dessert we all loved - Hungarian Fruit Squares. It was made on a cookie sheet with a crust similar to a sugar cookie-shortbread combination, spread evenly with canned fruit topping and a pretty dough lattice top. Blueberry was my favorite flavor, but she also made cherry and my aunt now makes it with fresh apples. It's now being made for my grandchildren to enjoy. In-laws all along the way have loved it as well.

My mother passed that recipe on, but more important than the recipes are the lessons she taught us. They're part of who I am, and not neatly documented on a butter-stained recipe card. Their impact is much more significant, however.

So, yes, motherhood is worth doing to the best of your ability. Children are entrusted to us by our Maker. Raising them requires a ton of self sacrifice and effort. Sometimes it's a labor of love and others a labor completed through nothing less than God-given strength. But sometimes it twists into a form of idolatry.

WHAT?!?! Yes, I said idolatry, and I meant it. An excessive devotion to our children becomes the driving force in our life, not God's will. Growing and developing ourselves beyond the umbrella of motherhood seems almost unfaithful, and we tune out any possibility that we are called to do just that.

An ungodly love for our material blessings is obvious. If we defined our identity as "owner of these material blessings God gave to me", we'd choke on the words. Yet, mothers do so all the time. We reach the end of our child rearing years and struggle to figure out who we are. We have no sense of individual identity, and never consider this isn't the way it should be. Motherhood consumed our identity, like any other false god would do.

If we love my children with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind, and with all my strength - we've given to them God's portion of us. Not only do we idolize them, but we interfere with God's provision for them.

When I struggle, I turn to God. In my sad, lonely, broke, frustrated, confused, angry and lost moments, God gives me peace that passes understanding. His spirit is my counselor, comforter, friend and physician. He intends for me to trust and depend on Him.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. (I Peter 5:6-7)

What I receive when I go to Him is His response. Our relationship develops into something extraordinary. His wisdom and mercy heal whatever brokenness I am going through.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

As a mother, we must be examples of women in relationship with God. That relationship requires responding to God's leading in our lives, according to His will. It cannot be a relationship that is peripheral to the center stage of our children.

What's holding YOU back?

This past weekend, I attended a seminar that featured Elizabeth George as the primary speaker.  She spoke on loving God with all of our mind, and used one of my favorite verses as her reference - Philippians 4:8.  “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are right, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.”

How much of my life would be different if I allowed my thoughts to be held in check against this verse!!!

I have a hard time making solid decisions (ones that I don’t unmake 15 minutes later) in some areas of my life.  If it’s a financial concern - I can make that decision.  If it’s a moral concern - I can make that decision.  When it comes to matters of ministry - I can be a mess.  It takes a Perfect Storm for me to have the confidence to take a stand, make a change, make a move, or put my walking shoes to go somewhere else.

Why am I so afraid?  I took a quiz in Oprah’s magazine this morning.  (Don’t judge me - you know those magazine quizzes are quite enticing!)  It was entitled “What is holding you back?” and it was part of an entire section dedicated to discovering and acting on the discovery of what your purpose is in life.

I had to take the quiz twice.  The first time I had nothing holding me back, but the questions were geared toward career changes - promotions, business start up, ambition.  Easy peasy questions.  Then I substituted ministry situations, as well as a recent acceptance that God wants me to use written or spoken words.  (I hope someday to complete that sentence.  It should say “use written or spoken words to…” and then a result or intended goal.  However, all I know to do today is use the words - God hasn’t filled me in as to what they are supposed to actually DO.)  What a mess I made of that quiz!  Of course, the quiz designer assumed a person was held back by a consistently recurring fear - of success OR of failure OR of disapproval.  I had them all.  My biggest fear of all wasn’t in the results, though.  I’m most afraid of ME.

Too much confidence outside a secular or practical situation is terrifying to me.  I know the downfalls of pride, arrogance, misplaced confidence, ego, incorrect conclusions, or mistaking a circumstance as a sign.  I’ve made every one of those mistakes in one area of my life or another.  I’d rather do nothing than mess up a situation with higher consequences than an angry teenager or a reluctantly cooperative vendor.  I’ll do background support instead of fully using my abilities so that the liability isn’t mine.  “Just following orders, here.”

Do your fears paralyze your drive?  Do your worries stop you in your tracks?  Does your chewing gum lose it’s flavor… oops - occasionally my mind goes on a side trip.  Do you find that by the time you’ve thought through all the variables, possibilities, methods and madness of something - you’ve become bored with the subject and you walk away - believing it’s not for you, or you wouldn’t have lost interest?  Are you looking for a reason to sit on the bench so you don't have to face the uncertainty of the game?

Is God able to use you, or do you believe rational lies  rationalize your way out of each and every opportunity that comes your way.  Fess up! 

Here is how my own trip to the bench sounds in my head. 

“I don’t want to get my ego involved or look like a difficult person, so I will just adjust to changes that I really feel are detrimental to the ministry I’m involved in.  I’m just me, what will they think if I start interjecting my opinions with confidence?  I’ll just be quiet.  I don’t want to seem arrogant or prideful, so I won’t refer to myself as a writer.  There have been centuries, no, millennia of compositions produced by people with amazing lives and important revelations - am I deluded with sinful self-importance to think I could say something that hasn’t already been said - maybe I should just point at other people’s writings.

“This is probably a waste of time to write about so publicly, because there is no usefulness to the tedious and boring sorting out of my psychological, emotional and spiritual baggage.  One day I’ll get blindsided with the revelation that I‘m foolishly diving into a writing pool that I‘m not qualified to swim in.  Am I boring God with my subject material?  Should I write something different?”

It is Satan that accuses the brethren.  He is called the accuser in Revelation 12, but his work is seen many places in the Bible. Elizabeth George shared that when her first manuscript was sent to the publisher - a publisher that requested she write the book in the first place (this wasn’t something she’d pursued out of the blue) it was turned down in a blaze without glory.  She went for a walk that afternoon and in her head, this thought started, “Who did you think you were… to write a book… who do you think you are to think they’d publish it…”  I could hear that accusation in my own head in a multitude of situations and circumstances.

God has an opposing view to Satan‘s accusation that you are mistaken to believe you have something to offer - Psalm 139.  If you want to know exactly what God knows about you - read that chapter.  He’s not only “in the loop” on who you are - he owns the loop.  Verse 14 says - “I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works.”  Are you thankful for how God made you?  This is the chapter of the Bible God brought to Elizabeth’s mind to remind her that she was his wondrous work - fearfully and wonderfully made.  She had the talents he wanted her to have she didn’t have the ones he intended that she didn’t have. 

Not trusting our own discernment when it comes to our aspirations and heart’s desire is normal.  Gideon was visited by an Angel of the Lord and told that he was selected to deliver Israel from the Midianites.  Gideon balked, “Who, me?  Don’t you know that my family is the least in Manasseh, and I’m the BABY of the family!”

God assured Gideon that he would go with him, and yet Gideon had a hard time believing that he, of all the people God had to choose from, was selected by God to do this important thing.  He proceeded to make the angel wait while he prepared an offering.  Gideon didn’t just go out to the barnyard and bring in a lamb - he made bread, put the meat in a basket, put the broth into a pot and brought all of this out to the angel.  The angel touched the offering with his staff and it burst into fire.   Gideon was astonished! 

The angel commanded that Gideon pull down the altar his father built for Baal and present a burnt offering there.  Gideon was too afraid to do so in broad daylight, so he did it under the cover of night.  The community was outraged and when they found out who did this, they requested Gideon’s dad to present Gideon so they could put him to death for what he’d done.

Gideon‘s dad said, “If Baal is mad, let him defend himself.  If he’s a god, surely he can do something about this himself.” 

Gideon was still plagued by the doubt that God had this special thing for him to do.  He told God about it.  Time and again he pleaded for God to not be angry with him, but to provide additional evidence that He truly wanted Gideon to deliver the Israelites.  (I can relate to Gideon’s mistrust of his own senses, can you?)  Not only did God provide reassurance and signs for Gideon, but he whittled away the army Gideon started with from 22,000 to 300.  There would be no doubt at the end of this campaign that God had a plan that no rational general would use as his strategy.

James 1:5 encourages us to take our lacking selves to God directly… “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

So, when you find that you don’t have the wisdom to discern whether or not God wants to use you, whether or not you can accomplish his tasks, whether or not he has a plan for you - because of whatever roadblocks from your own past or background make you unfit for duty - take it to him.  Ask for wisdom, and he will give it - without reproach. 

He already knows what you’re feeling and thinking, so if you think you’re going to surprise him with an unknown failing in your character that will shock him…. You are no different than the 5 year old with chocolate all over his face believing that his mother doesn’t know chocolate is one of the desires of his heart - remember Psalm 139 where it says “Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, Though dost know it ALL.”

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are God’s works and you are one of them.  Only Satan benefits from making you believe that you are a useless mistake.  Only Satan benefits from accusing you of being sinful in acknowledging that God’s word is true and he can not only use someone like you, but he can and wants to use YOU.  It isn’t because you are perfect, because who exactly could you relate to if you were?  Jesus doesn’t need you to minister to him.  He‘s already aware of his own superspectacularness.  It’s when your broken humanity is changed by God into something new and surprising (not surprising to God, but to those that are NOT omniscient) that the miracle occurs.

He gives you the talents he wants you to have.  You possess what he wants you to possess to start his work.  While you may doubt your abilities in relation to others that you believe are better qualified, the truth is this isn’t a job interview, where God will pick just one - it’s a call to action.  If God is for us, who can be against us?  You already know who - don’t be his accomplice.

Usually, It Isn't Enough To Be A Good Wife

We, women of a mother's age, balk whenever we hear of a young woman barely out of high school getting engaged.  At least I do.  Perhaps because I know what she doesn’t know yet.  I know that she will put all of her emotion into this man that she’s newly in love with.   She, if she is odd and knows who she is, is in danger of forgetting all of that in a desire to bond and connect with him.  Most times, she doesn’t know who she is yet.  She’s unaware of the gifts and talents that God has given to her for satisfying her longing soul by moving faithfully within His will. 

In Genesis, when God is explaining the consequences for Adam & Eve’s prohibited snack, He says to Eve in Genesis 3:16 “…Yet your desire shall be for your husband...”  This puzzled me when it was brought up at my weekly Bible study.  I’d never paid any attention to that phrase, most likely because it’s followed up with that “and he shall rule over you” phrase which we have all heard more times than we’ve enjoyed.  My friend from Bible study gave me a fresh perspective on this.  She said, “We will always be longing toward our husband.  Even if he isn’t meeting all of our emotional needs, we will always be longing for that and looking to him.”  Suddenly, I realized how many problems in marriages surrounding me directly reflects back to this explanation.

How many times have I sat in church without my husband and my thoughts distracted away from the message, wishing my husband was there, or, rather than taking the word for myself, I considered his circumstances, his unhappiness, his stress, his needs and applied the sermon to them in his absence. 

How many times has my mother gone to see the changing leaves, out for lunch, to church or a community event and felt lonely because my dad didn’t want to go with her. 

There is much undone by women of God because we want the companionship of our husband but he doesn’t share our desire, interests, mission or purpose. 

It may seem that we are simply living a self sacrificing life - but I believe that we are sacrificing our purpose and work on this earth for God in order to cling to our husband.  In God's design for a marriage, he tells a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they should be as one flesh.  He does not say to leave God and cleave to his wife.  I can't imagine he would want a woman to do so.

How many women have spent years with a physically or emotionally abusive man because she just could not break that bond she felt for him.  A bond that is one-sided and certainly not glorifying to God, as she allows the years of destruction to rob her of joy, purpose, fruits of the spirit, inspiration, thought, or direction from God because her desire for her husband overshadowed it all.  This is truly the worst case scenario of this curse. 

We’ve each been created as individuals.  We’re not appendages of our husbands, nor are we tools or extensions of our husband's spiritual identity.  God addressed Eve personally - he didn’t say, “Adam - you figure out what to do with your wife, as it doesn‘t concern me personally.”  We have an individual identity with God, and though our emotional longings threaten to pull us away - we’ll miss much of the fruits of the spirit that have little to do with who we are married to, if we don’t acknowledge and then move in accordance to the identity God created within us.

Many wives will tell you that the stress from her husband’s job takes him far away from God and from a spiritual dependence upon him.  He doesn’t trust God through the difficult times, or believes that he is on his own, which is obviously an exhausting heart condition to operate from.  Adam’s punishment was to experience exhausting labor because of a curse on the ground.  Regardless of our husband’s profession, we can see the same result of exhaustion due to the stress of obstacles that thwart his efforts as the thistles and thorns have done to farmers for millennia. 

Our preoccupation with our husbands can misdirect us away from God in the same manner.  The true consequence of Adam & Eve’s faithless and disobedient behavior is a distance from God.  Physically they had to leave the garden, and spiritually, we’ve allowed our preoccupation with our husbands to pull us away from Him ever since.

As women, it’s important that we teach a young woman that she will always have an identity with God that is her own personal intimate relationship and responsibility.  Her husband cannot live that out for her.  She will of course feel love, desire, devotion and a deep connection to her husband - but she must also have a conviction to not allow it to push God so far into the background that she can't hear his voice.  She may have a work or mission that she shares with her husband, or she may have one that is completely personal, and she must have faith that God wouldn't fill her with the talents, passions, purpose and conviction to complete that work if it doesn’t matter to him whether she acts on it or ignores it.

A young woman should know who she is to God before she commits to being a wife to a man.  She should know God’s voice and hear it clearly before she tragically reduces it to background noise as her desire turns toward her husband.

And ALL of that was what I’ve heard in my spirit for the last couple days that I was quiet and obeying God’s recent mystifying, yet persistent conviction that I needed to hang up the telephone, go to a festival by myself (while my husband gathered our last cord of firewood and I was unable to help because my hand was burned), paint my nephew’s bedroom (in solitary quiet without so much as a radio), and enjoy taking the long way home - so that I could hear Him tell me to believe Him, trust Him, and write this - because it's always the right time to hear God and act upon his instruction.

Who Are You? Do You Have a Purpose?

I don't have a job.  Not to say I don't work, but no taxes are taken out of my income and if I were to collect my Social Security payment now, it would cover only my utilities.  I've had numerous jobs in my lifetime, but apparently when you average out that income over the years that I haven't had a paying job, the numbers aren't in my favor.

The most important work that I've done in my life, to date, was raising my daughters and being a part of my amazing family.  Have you done that?  Have you placed value on your contribution to your family - your spouse, kids, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandchildren, nieces and nephews?  Building people is the foundation of everything else that is built, discovered, and invented.  If you haven't worked outside the home - never say, "I was just a homemaker" or "I was just a stay-at-home-mom" with apology in your voice - look around at all the kids today who would love to come home to their mom every day instead of a daycare or babysitter.  Building children is a very hard job and many parents today aren't up to the task, or haven't had the luxury (oh, it was anything BUT luxurious at times, I know) of being a full time parent. The extended family is that much more important to the lives of those children. 

My daughters are grown, my husband has risen to a position that emotionally exhausts him, but makes an income that covers what we need and want.  I've dabbled a bit, with several businesses of my own, but a couple years ago, I closed my book selling business in order to devote some time to important events in our family and it just never seemed the right time to start it up again.  So, I've grand parented some, spent excessive amounts of time on the telephone talking with the women in my family - up generations and down generations, kept the home fires burning (literally - we heat with wood to a large extent), the dogs fed - trained - walked, contributed to my veterinarian moving up into a higher tax bracket - my animals like to go visit the vet on Sundays - in a very fast car - this usually involves porcupines or vomiting or bleeding.  I take responsibility for making sure my husband is fed healthy meals, pay our bills, run all the errands, plant the gardens, harvest the gardens, volunteer here and there, and I work hard to give my husband a home and wife that feel good to retreat to after his hectic work days. Not having a paying job that demands my time elsewhere allows me to be and do all of that, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity.

But it's a time for change in my life.  A shifting of responsibilities to allow time for a different "purpose".

I've known for decades that I need to write.  I don't know what I'm supposed to write (this makes for some rambling rough drafts) but I know that I need to write.  I don't know what the end result is supposed to be, but I figure I'll just keep writing until I satisfy the purpose in it.  It may have nothing to do with the reader and everything to do with me.  I'm trusting God to make sense and purpose of it, as I ramble onward.

What do you need to do?  What is your purpose?  What is your passion?  I think the mundane can anesthetize us into a life on autopilot.  We handle problems as they arise, we go to work, we pay our bills, we get the car fixed, we eat our dinners, we procrastinate our fitness programs, we buy new stuff, and then fall back to regroup before handling those steps of daily life again.  Is that living?  It seems more like one of those car rides at the amusement park - you can press the gas or the brake and steer - as long as you don't veer too far from that metal rail down the center... you don't really choose a direction or path of your own.

I would love to hear replies to these questions - not because I need to hear them, but because you need to acknowledge that you know the answers.  Who Are You?  What is your passion?  What is your purpose?  How do you impact the world?  I can't think of more fascinating comments to read.  It's exhilarating to be in the presence of a person with purpose.

Maybe you've never asked these questions of yourself.  Perhaps you think it's a selfish endeavor, but I assure you, it isn't.  Imagine if the great minds of our society refused to use their natural, (I believe God-given) talents because it felt self centered to focus on their own genius and allow it to expand and grow.  Someone in this world is counting on YOUR talents.  One day, at your funeral service, He or She could stand up and give gratitude for the significance you had in his/her life simply because of your selfless use of your distinctive and inherent You-ness. 

It would seem selfish for you to decline to use the gifts, opportunities and access that you alone have to be a person of impact, wouldn't it?