God, Could you just tell me the whole plan now?

Perhaps because I'm starting a second career, (or second life even) my first was my family, (Both directions - first my birth family, then the family I gave birth to) I feel a little hesitant at crossroads.  Sometimes in the middle of a path, with no forks in sight, I stop and wonder if I'm going the right way.  Should I go back?  Should this path be wider, perhaps zigzag a little more, or even be more like an obstacle course than a finely pebbled trail? Did I miss a sign back there?  Am I lost? It's terribly quiet here all by myself.  Family is a group activity.

Oh, wait! This is a group activity as well.  Only the group contains just a couple of us.  There's me, of course... and God.  And our project is me.  It's changing me, growing me, stretching me, teaching me, equipping me, pointing me in the right direction to ... well, to be fruitful. To be a good daughter and help Dad with whatever his assignment is.  It could be writing a presentation.  It could be picking up supplies for his kids at the homeless shelter.  It could be giving His Word to someone who needs to hear it.

See, that's hard for me.  I want a detailed plan of action, a flow chart of necessary steps.  Please tell me what I'm doing today and why.  Then lay out the next 10 years, highlighting the important steps that the rest of the plan depends on, so I'm sure I do exactly the right thing. If you're only revealing the next step, the next 30 inches of tightrope, I might get nervous that there isn't any tightrope beyond that step. Am I stepping foolishly or faithfully. (Yes, I've changed my wooded pebble path to a tightrope, because that's the way my mind works.)

"Keep looking at me."  He says.  His eyes warm and inviting.  His hands are stretched out around me in case I teeter off balance.

"I don't want to mess up.  I don't want to waste time.  What if I die before I get this right?" I tend to worry.  Do you see that?

"I'll show you more, as you step forward more.  Come toward me."


This blog is the documentation of the trip of my life.  It will contain fear, suspense, exhilaration, tears, many Aha! moments, revelations, and I write it only because I have to.

Whether I write it simply because

• I process by writing and he wants me to really "get it," 

OR

• Someone else out there feels a little crazy when they second guess, third guess, fourteenth guess God's whispered direction on that quiet path (or trembling tightrope) and gains a little bit of... "Ok, I'm not the only one that finds this a bit uncomfortable.  See her over there on the other side of the circus tent? (where else would you find a tightrope?)  Sure, she's on a different rope, but it feels the same for her.  If God can use this screwy woman, well... he surely can use ME! 

 OR

• Whoa - did you see what God taught her today?  I needed to learn that too.  What a fantastic NONcoincidence!

I don't know the end of the story.  I only know now.  I can't be obedient tomorrow. I can only be obedient now.  I don't know where God wants me in 5 years.  I only know that if I go where he wants me to go each day... I'll be where he wants me to be in 5 years. And he does want me to be somewhere.  He wants us to bring light to the world, to do good works that glorify him, to be evidence of his incredible supernatural provision and love.
 

My favorite Christmas movie always comes to mind when I think of this.  God is represented as the Moon and you are Mary Hatch. Jesus is represented as George Bailey  (You HAVE seen the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," haven't you?)  George was going to lasso the moon for Mary and bring it to her.  And she'd swallow it and it would dissolve within her and the moonbeams would shoot out of her fingers and her toes and the ends of her hair. No one could contain God's light and not be transformed by it. No one could behold such a spectacular miracle and not desire it for themselves. 

I want to be a part of that. I have to trust Him to provide the safe spot for my foot to step, to teach me what I need to know. To practice humility in seeking to move closer to God every day.

I have to crawl up into his lap and be willing to look at the things He shows me through HIS eyes.