What's Wrong With Me, Part A

Sometimes there's this tension inside me so tightly coiled I'm driven to respond to it. It's uncomfortable and I'm sure of one thing... I will act on it.

I know you've felt the same way. I've made some rash decisions in response to that tension. Some of those decisions soothed me – eased my tension the way a glass of wine eases the end of a bad day, while others distracted me for weeks, months, even years. When the tension returned, I changed something else.

And then there were books. Ah, my ever present lovers. There were many times I didn't make rash decisions, but instead dived into a new book. Self Help, Time Management, Life Management, Spiritual, Psychology, Al Anon – they were my wiser selections. I learned a lot about my fragile mental, emotional and spiritual composition there. I also learned many tips, tricks and motivational techniques – and in all sincerity... who doesn't like tips, tricks and motivation?

The concept of being still or quiet, submitting to doing what I knew was right when I didn't feel like it was foreign to me. Still can be uncomfortable at times. It's knowing you'd feel better if you exercised but since you don't feel like exercising you find something else to do. Knowing you'd feel better if you didn't have pasta and instead had a beautiful salad... and forked that spaghetti in anyways.

Like last week. My bible study lesson seemed pedantic and uninspiring, I'd gotten behind on my blog commitment. I hadn't taken a good cardio walk in over a week. My inner self was agitated and impatient. I was very uncomfortable. Something was eating at me. There's a restless discontentment, stirring, or rather churning. I wanted to DO something.

Doing something was my go to coping mechanism in the past. I'd find an activity, craft project, start a new hobby or get a pet. I've changed jobs, joined a new group, went away for a weekend, signed up for a class, went to a movie or spent an hour on the phone. I've also said, “Let's move!” (I lived in an embarrassing number of apartments in my late teens and early twenties.) Any of those things would lead to something else and I'd be off chasing that for awhile.

Instead, I carved out a piece of time and secluded myself for a bit. I went outside and found some clarity.

What have you used to distract you from that uncomfortable tension?

Tomorrow, I'll share what I learned in those moments of seclusion.