Not Who Am I, But Where's My Place In This World?

When someone's struggling to figure out "who they are" - it isn't that they don't know themselves, but their purpose has become a question rather than a known answer.

A midlife crisis is one of those seasons, as is an empty nest, an involuntary career change, a chronic illness, a divorce, widowhood. When my girls left home, I filled my time with hobbies - not because that was my purpose, but it distracted me from the unfocused and uncomfortable feeling of being lost, a little boat cut loose from its anchor. 

Who am I?  Not exactly, more accurately - What's my purpose now?  What's my direction?  I spent many years focused on those people who now feel like bugs under a microscope, so I have to take responsibility for redirecting myself.

A season of discovery.  A short season of naval gazing, perhaps, to figure out what I had to offer and making a decision of where and how to make the offer. My most developed skill set revolved around motherhood and family. But beneath that skill set is the desire that influenced me to be the mother I am/was.

That desire needed to be discovered and understood.  It was the natural expression of what became important to me as I navigated my own life.

Are you in a season of wondering "Is this all there is?"  If so, I can tell you - the answer is no.  I don't need to know where you are, to know that if you feel that way - there is more for you.  Have hope and keep reaching out.

What's Wrong With Me, Part B

Continued from yesterday.

I took my “time out” on the patio. It was the wonderful week when Indian Summer sets in, so it was pleasant, but in truth... with enough layers, you can be comfortable outside almost every day.

Here are my steps to finding out the cause of my restlessness and agitation:


ONE:  No Tech Time – No TV, telephone, texts, email, internet, or video game. Most of the time no music, either.  These are easiest to avoid outside.

As I sat there, I felt antsy. My mind is quite a worker and she kicks in when I get quiet. I think of the book I haven't yet opened, the pans sitting in the sink to wash, my Bible study - which I'm 3 days behind in, letting the dogs out, doing laundry. Then my mouth kicks in – I want a snack or a drink. I start holding my stomach in, engaging my bandhas. Yoga is a demanding wench, reminding me to multitask... and yes, I know this means I'm doing it wrong. (My understanding of yoga is less than rudimentary, but I feel taller and less soft after a practice.)

And then... I hear the breeze washing through the leaves and sounding like ocean waves. A chipmunk chides me because he's afraid to run past me to the bird feeder. An airplane buzzes out of my view, and I take and release a deep breath. I begin to feel refreshed. And, it always happens... if I wait 10 minutes past the moment when I think, “This isn't working! I need to get something done!”

Then I reach for my pen and books.

TWO:  Thinking time. This is when I study with my pen and notebook nearby, and here's what I get from that.

• Topics for studying or writing.
• Edification – I'm able to make decisions on the basis of what is truly in line with my values and priorities. When I starve that part of me, or tap it out through the decisions and situations I face, I begin to react out of emotion or exhaustion. Rather than confidently resting in my decisions, I second guess them.
• Clarity. There are aspects that my week will need and this time brings those into perfect clarity. No, I don't plan my entire week in 15 minute blocks, as I used to, trying to get every little thing scheduled in. Instead, I clearly see the handful of activities that need to be part of my week, and in doing them, I find a perpetual source of energy. Completion of those activities provide more energy than they consume.

THREE: I let it set.

My friend Robyn said her husband gave her those 3 words when she'd get anxious about a situation. “Let it sit.” Soak it in, let it set, add another day of this private time, soak it in, let it set. I find clarity not only in handling the 5 big things I need to do this week, but in who I am and what's important to God in my life is clearly revealed to me. Perhaps not His plan for my next 5 years, but for today. For this week. For the next step. I have a tendency to "run with it," so this requires some discipline and, yes - patience, on my part.

I develop an inner source of energy, with stamina for a long run. God's power is revealed in my life as I discover the tasks before me aren't as difficult or confusing when I let him direct me and provide what I need to complete them.

What's Wrong With Me, Part A

Sometimes there's this tension inside me so tightly coiled I'm driven to respond to it. It's uncomfortable and I'm sure of one thing... I will act on it.

I know you've felt the same way. I've made some rash decisions in response to that tension. Some of those decisions soothed me – eased my tension the way a glass of wine eases the end of a bad day, while others distracted me for weeks, months, even years. When the tension returned, I changed something else.

And then there were books. Ah, my ever present lovers. There were many times I didn't make rash decisions, but instead dived into a new book. Self Help, Time Management, Life Management, Spiritual, Psychology, Al Anon – they were my wiser selections. I learned a lot about my fragile mental, emotional and spiritual composition there. I also learned many tips, tricks and motivational techniques – and in all sincerity... who doesn't like tips, tricks and motivation?

The concept of being still or quiet, submitting to doing what I knew was right when I didn't feel like it was foreign to me. Still can be uncomfortable at times. It's knowing you'd feel better if you exercised but since you don't feel like exercising you find something else to do. Knowing you'd feel better if you didn't have pasta and instead had a beautiful salad... and forked that spaghetti in anyways.

Like last week. My bible study lesson seemed pedantic and uninspiring, I'd gotten behind on my blog commitment. I hadn't taken a good cardio walk in over a week. My inner self was agitated and impatient. I was very uncomfortable. Something was eating at me. There's a restless discontentment, stirring, or rather churning. I wanted to DO something.

Doing something was my go to coping mechanism in the past. I'd find an activity, craft project, start a new hobby or get a pet. I've changed jobs, joined a new group, went away for a weekend, signed up for a class, went to a movie or spent an hour on the phone. I've also said, “Let's move!” (I lived in an embarrassing number of apartments in my late teens and early twenties.) Any of those things would lead to something else and I'd be off chasing that for awhile.

Instead, I carved out a piece of time and secluded myself for a bit. I went outside and found some clarity.

What have you used to distract you from that uncomfortable tension?

Tomorrow, I'll share what I learned in those moments of seclusion.

Hmmm, Delivered Safely by Being Murdered ?!

It's impossible to watch national news without being inundated with political news.  It's a presidential election fall.

I love the beginning of autumn.  Back to school sales help me stock my paper products, I'm ready for some cooler weather, making soup is beckoning me, the looming stack of firewood reminds me of coming into my warm home from the cold.  And the temptation to listen to the election stuff is strong.

I was a political news junkie and that's no exaggeration.  I was exhilarated by a well spoken presentation by my candidate of choice.  I'd swell with excitement and hope for my nation in the hands of a candidate I truly believed was a noble person.  I enjoyed the political banter and debate with my dad.  My sister and I were the source of much confusion for my poor dad, who just couldn't understand how we couldn't vote for his candidate.  But, I don't believe I can impact my world through political affiliation, and with a limited amount of time and energy, I can't afford to waste either on politics.

Last night my husband expressed his concerns about his business for the first time.  By spring of this year, orders and profits had shrunk to less than half of what they were in 2009.  The last few months have been worse, as there are always slowdowns in his industry before a national election.  It's as though they all hold their collective breath... and wait.

I have been poor and I have had more than enough - so I can make it through whatever we face in the future.  But last night, I was troubled when I went to bed.  The old habit of making mental contingency plans for financial disaster was niggling at the edge of my mind, tempting me to come up with solutions to all the "what ifs."  I thought about the election, then pushed it from my mind.

This morning as I started Bible study, I couldn't concentrate.  I needed to give this to God and get it out of my way.  I think for the first time ever, I let the Holy Spirit say to God what I had no words for.  I took a deep breath and relaxed. I closed my eyes and bowed my head and just placed myself in God's presence.

I said nothing, but could feel His spirit repair, soothe and calm me.  I'm still his daughter - regardless of what happens to our finances, my husband's business or the election.  Drawing close to God this morning, in this quiet way, I felt relieved and unburdened.

In 2 Timothy, Paul is writing just before his murder. He knew it was coming, "For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure." (vs. 6) What was his state of mind?  "The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (verse 18).

Paul remembered that his only valuable possession was his soul.  As long as that was preserved, he was safe.  He had no retirement plans, vacation dreams or car repairs that burdened him.  It was simple.  It is simple.

The election is a temptation for the old way of doing things.  The times when I thought it was essential that I monitored the things in my control and believed they were truly in my control.  I held so tightly to things I didn't want to lose, my hands were too full to receive what God wished to give me.

It's truly exhausting to think you're in charge of everything, that with enough force you can stop storms from touching you. We live on a stormy planet.  The rain falls on the just and the unjust, as it says in the Bible.  But there is an eye to the storm, a place of peace within it, that is beyond the imagination, and you've been invited to find rest there.

When have you felt that unimaginable peace while enduring a storm?

Exposing My Secret Rituals

Each morning I perform a few rituals that guarantee my entire day is fulfilling. They energize me to tackle important tasks.  Doing them day after day builds my momentum and what feels insurmountable and uninspiring on Monday is simple to complete by Friday.

Some days I do all of these.  Some of these I do every day.  Some days I only do a couple.

Ritual #1  Get dressed. I don't have to do this - I live in a very private location, my husband goes to work and no one would even notice if I spent all day in my jammies.  I would feel sluggish, though.  Getting dressed makes me feel as though I'm getting ready to DO something.

Ritual #2  No phone calls before noon.  My mind gets a fresh start every day.  I present this canvas for fresh paint each morning.  Phone calls muddy my thinking.  What's going on in everyone else's mind or day will creep into my quiet time and compete with my own thoughts for my focused attention.  I also try to schedule all my appointments in the afternoon.

Ritual #3 Keeping a notepad with me for the next 3 rituals, I write down significant new information and inspiration.  Have you ever had a brilliant idea and then lost it completely in the recesses of your mind for a period of weeks or months - maybe forever?  A journal of these thoughts - kept in any sort of book - can reveal a connection and clear inspiration.  Without a written journal, you can and most likely WILL miss something significant.  It's an pivotal moment to see a recurrent theme where I expected only randomness.  God continues to bring certain topics to my mind over and over in my inspired moments and I can see it much clearer when it's in ink.  I prefer a little 4X6 spiral notebook, but am working through an inventory of composition books I purchased on sale last summer.  Back to school sales are on now, in case you're the thrifty sort.

Ritual #4  Reading, preferably nonfiction.  I like to learn something every day.

Ritual #5  Take coffee, pen and paper to a chair outside on the porch, in the yard or in the woods (or a comfy corner chair inside on bad weather days). Birds, breezes and solitude simultaneously relax and renew my mind and imagination.

Ritual #6  Bible study.  In all honesty, I'm not a frequent studier of my Bible all by itself, but I'm almost always using Bible study guides to explore a book of the Bible or a particular subject.  Right now they are Captivating: Uncovering the Mystery of a Woman's Soul & Judges/Ruth.

What about you?  What are your rituals?

Suggested Read: Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald.