“Since you're home all day, could
you...?” “You don't have kids holding you back, so you can do
whatever you want, can you....?” “Well, I knew you'd be off
today so, can you...?” “They always say busy people get things
done, so I thought I'd call you – you're one of the busiest people
I know...”
I started a computer services business in 1993, working
from home. I had unrealistic expectations of what working from home
entails.
Fantasy #1. Wake up, have a relaxing coffee, make
breakfast. Get my work done. Go to the bank and deposit the amount
of money that covers 150% of my household needs and wants. Have lunch
with a friend or my mother. Buy some office supplies. Straighten up
the already tidy house. (Pffft!!!) Cook a nice dinner and relax for
the evening.
Fantasy #2. The entire family works together on keeping
the house up. My work day is 8-4 with regularly scheduled breaks
where I would smile at my family members who are all doing their own
thing quietly in some other area of the house during my work
hours.
The Work At Home Reality – You want to work from home for
the freedom it will give you! Your children, regardless of age, are
unable to quietly do anything – pour a bowl of cereal, find their
socks, dress themselves, pick up the remote control, locate the milk.
The amount of errands that need done has multiplied, since you're
home. A friend calls you at 10:30 in the midst of a bawling meltdown
because she's maybe getting a divorce and everyone else is “at
work”.. and she knew you'd be home. A relative and another friend also call daily during your work hours and just have to tell you "one thing" before they'll let you hang up... one very long, emotionally exhausting thing. Your mother wants to go to
lunch once a week, because you need a break honey! You spend Tuesday
morning at the pediatrician with a child exhibiting signs of strep
throat, then pick up the prescription and special foods and spend the
rest of the day running to their assistance because apparently the
strep has disabled their legs and they can't reach the remote
control, a glass of juice, a blanket, a pillow, their stuffed animal
or a new roll of toilet paper. At 3 o'clock you vow to at least
return phone calls from your business voice mail. At 3:30 the rest
of the crew gets home and bursts into your office. You hold the
phone to your left ear and wave frantically with your right hand to
shush them. They ignore you and continue yelling their news to you
through the closet door where you finally retreat – plugging one
ear with a finger and getting into the corner farthest from the door.
Your potential customer thinks you're an amateur. A lonely client keeps you on the phone for almost an hour while your family eats dinner without you. You want to go
back to work to escape. Everyone thinks you are "living the dream!"
People didn't respect my boundaries, because
I had none. I felt compelled to juggle it all. After all, I wanted
to work for myself so I could be there for the important things. I
just had no idea there would be so many!
After a day in my
“reality”, I wasn't creative enough or energetic enough to
market, run and grow my business. I worked into the evenings, but it
wasn't my best work. I was angry, frustrated, exhausted. I wanted to
“get it done” with the least amount of personal investment
necessary because I was tapped out. I no longer had the ability to
say no without a reason, or justification that would be “acceptable.”
I felt that way for years after the business closed. It had a
numbing effect. I expected myself to do MORE with less... always.
If you won't prioritize and control how you spent my time, others
will. You'll feel powerless and resentful. I wasn't my own boss... I
had 4-8 bosses spending my time and energy between them.
Years
passed and this Superwoman role became a part of my identity. So had
the stress of feeling out of control and on call for emergencies both
real and imagined. Some days it became an effort to breathe.
After
a panic attack that felt more like a heart attack, I promised my
husband things would change. For a time, I avoided people since I
didn't know how to say no. I'd led everyone to believe I'd always “be
there” for them. I started to say no to everything, but I felt I
needed an excuse to say no.
I knew I had to find the power to make
my own decisions. I stepped out of the hub of this wheel and tried
to connect all those people to one another – encouraging them to
lean on each other for a little while.
Eventually most people
forgave me for this, but some have had hurt feelings. They've felt
abandoned and unloved. They felt “pushed off” on other people. I
said no to almost everything – going from one extreme to another as
they saw it.
It took several years before I could say yes or no
honestly. Changing direction was hard, but it was way past time for
me to grow up and act like an adult in my own life. Not carrying the
weight of the world has reminded me that only God can be God in the
lives of others. When people are not able to comfort us, God comforts
us best and helps us to change.
How can you know who you are if your
entire life is lived at the will of the people around you? If you've
not made the decisions for the direction your life would take? If you
deny the things that would be “best” in order to serve the things
that are only “good?” If you've never taken the time to identify
them for yourself?
For one week - take 15 minutes each day to sit
quietly with pen and paper. Ask yourself and God – Am I saying
“yes” when I should say “no”? If I said “no” to those
things... what things would I be free to say “yes” to? Come back
and share your “best” list with us!
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